Characters

If you happen to read the stories of Edgar Treeknocker [ link is Edgar Treeknocker – Kindle edition by Hachey, Russell. Children Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.] you would find that of many strange and unseen creatures are mentioned in the book. This page here describes most of them mentioned and them who are most famous in the book. Also included are some characters you will hear in the “Children’s Radio” page above and some story characters that will remain throughout the “Stories” page.

Edgar Treeknocker actually did come to our house, no joke! He was first found out when my family and I saw a small plastic pumpkin by the door my Mom put up on a tree in our front yard. She told my siblings and I to draw a picture of whom was in the tree and write about him or her [my sisters probably made hers] but in my mind Edgar Treeknocker [a firm him] was the most realistic of them all [especially my brother’s grumpy dwarf]. Off a couple of blank pages came Edgar and a menagerie of whimsical creatures and quirky individuals. Edgar has [and will go on to do more] left us quite a few surprises, but the most recent were a tiny sheep statue [during Christmas], a tiny deer statue [on Christmas Day], and a tin blue flower and a rock proudly stating “Jesus my Rock” [this was Easter]. Edgar himself isn’t a bit bashful, which was probably the reason he won his wife Judy so easily. He talks in a bit of an Irish accent and most of the time when he isn’t surprising us, he and Judy often go for walks or go visit their friends. They don’t travel much, but when they do, it is just a snap away. Edgar’s species derives from the imp family being classed as Impies Derimpes which is from the imp family but not really as close. The way he goes about finding a home is quite clever, knocking on trees until he finds a worthy home [hence he is called ‘Treeknocker’]. Edgar, when not about writes poems and songs, sings some [which we unfortunately can’t hear], and reads and watches TV [which isn’t often because he isn’t as interested in it as most humans].

Starting as a star angel, Judy used to bear a striking resemblance to Hayley Mills, from blonde hair to blue eyes. However, when she married Edgar Treeknocker, her used to be skin colored skin turned blue, her wings disappeared [even though she can fly comfortably without them now], and her golden locks turned red. She doesn’t mind much, especially since she is with her beloved Edgar. She used to have a crush on me, but it would never have worked out since she was and is immortal. Star Angels in general don’t fall in love often, for most star angels are girls and women. Most male angels work in heaven, you see if you read the Scriptures, but if you see a girl angel in a picture, that is a star angel! But neither angel fell in love with each other, regular or star. However, since girls are different than boys, if a star angel came to earth and fell in love with a human, they would become human. Since Judy married Edgar Treeknocker, she became one of him. Star Angel’s work is to turn the stars on at night and make sure they don’t go out or fall out of the sky. You can bet it is hard and fulltime work, but Judy doesn’t do it anymore now she has Edgar, and that is fine with her! She spends most of her time at her husband’s side, whether it is doing something or not doing anything. She once organized a Women Creature’s Knitting Club, but since Goingleponddoos eat yarn like spaghetti, she gave that up and joins Edgar in singing and writing songs.

Floridian Winds are scattered all over the whole state, but Edgar Treeknocker’s wind is probably the best wind you could meet, though he never knows when to stop talking or barging into people’s food sources! Wind is often lecturing people on things, from romance to time to Florida to something completely random, not forgetting to mention himself in any topic. His friends often find him a bore, and even when they aren’t listening, he still talks and talks and talks. Winds are one of the many creatures we can’t see but feel, not to mention most notable. Don’t ask what winds do, because it’s obvious, they’re winds! They blow day and night to lift your kites and stir up storms and knock down scarecrows and all that other fancy stuff winds do. Our wind, as you know is a bit of a windbag [if you’ll pardon the joke] and when asked to say grace, he’ll do it! Wind never tires of babbling, snapping up things to eat [for just like Edgar and Judy and many others he can snap things into existence], and making long speeches. In fact, I have included in the “Stories” page some of his wise sounding sayings under the title “Proverbs of the Wind”.

While my family and I were decorating for the upcoming Halloween, I observe the tree next to Edgar’s on the far side of the driveway, looking at a hole inside it and observing a small head of some sort, for it quickly pops back inside the tree. It looked like a frog, but it gave me an idea for another character for Edgar Treeknocker’s story, thus the Cownick is born. The cownick in question [as you know his name is Steve] starts out declining to meet Edgar Treeknocker, since most cownicks are hermit and solitary animals, until he decides to reveal himself to his whimsical neighbor. Cownick work is mostly making lower case ‘e’s look like squiggles [which are what are next to Steve in this picture] but most of all they help people find there one true love. Thanks to our Cownick, Edgar and Judy are married! He has been lazy lately or else he would have set me up with a couple of dates. [Bummer]. Cownicks, like most of these creatures can’t be seen. He derives from the species of Gernices Lemmoo and eats bugs mostly, but when they look for homes [which are either in trees or rocks] he eats himself a hole to live in. Not all cownicks look like frogs, however, for some resemble the ‘cow’ part in their name, while others look like horses or pigs. Steve Cownick rarely comes out much, but when he does, he does the stuff I mentioned at the top.

Goinglepond Doos, as they are often called, are from the class of Caro Sparro which includes a lot of unseen bugs and insectoids. The Goinglepond Doos are the most notable, not to mention most famous. Their main diet is usually fire hydrants, water inside fire hydrants [how they eat water is like sucking milk from a bottle], dandelions, and if they can find it and catch it, apple turnovers! Their natural habitats are usually in holes, jack o lanterns [this is done easily, for they can’t be seen], and/or inside soap molecules. The usual color for a Goinglepond Doo is a light blue with dark blue spots and a periwinkle belly, for a male, a female is usually light pink with dark pink spots and a skin-colored belly. These types usually hang around the USA, ones in South America are usually just green, but the most vibrant of the Goinglepond Doos is the Lesser Seven-Colored Goinglepond Doos which hang around Austria and Australia [unseen as any] which sport red, orange, yellow, green, blue swirls all over their bodies with swirls of pink, black, and wild blue yonder on their bellies. Goinglepond Doos don’t make noise that humans can hear, but to their friends they make a human snore/cicada/horse snort/hyena noise that comes out in the word “Lois Lou”. Many Goinglepond Doos are hunted down by trolls to eat, but if you care for Goinglepond Doos though you can’t see them, keep a shaker of salt nearby and turn on loud symphony music!

Xotzeys aren’t what some might think, that being a butterfly like hedgehog or porcupine, but instead it is a hedgehog or porcupine like butterfly! They come from the class of Wentor Surfus, including such things as Dwolphins and Gnomes, which means they live in toadstools and stumps and things. They have a crazy life cycle: they start life looking like Dum Dum candies, which is followed by turning into tiny shrew like things [called a Felon for short] and then rolling into a ball until unraveling every second Friday in February, thus becoming a full adult Xotzey, wings and all. Their chief diet evolves around cut-up lawn grass, lemon seeds, and just like rats and sea gulls, junkyard stuff. The way a Xotzey chooses a home depends on how it fits in it, like a hermit crab. Xotzeys make noises like humans, meaning that they can actually talk. If they are grumpy, they make jaguar roar/car engine starting type noises. A Xotzey can live anywhere from Florida to West Virginia to Virginia to European places like Ireland, Scotland, and Germany. These creatures suffer habitat loss for people taking away toadstools and stumps, but if you would like to adopt a Xotzey, leave out an ice cube in your sink, and if it melts the next day, you can tell a Xotzey lives in your house unnoticed!

Yockery Docks are perhaps one of the most humanish creatures that we can’t see except for a few things: starters is a Yockery Dock has a monkey outlook with a rabbit mouth and tail. Secondly, it is known for eating squash and pumpkins fresh off the ground. Their class is Gernices Derimpes which is derived of both Edgar Treeknocker and the cownick’s species combined. The human bit in these creatures is that they wear clothes, but the odd thing about the clothes is that they are born with them. This style is for male Yockery Docks while females usually sport dresses. Their life cycle is that of a human, though when they are first born, they make lightsaber whirring noises until they grow old enough to talk. Yockery Docks come in ‘prides’ that span from seventeen males, sixteen females, and about three or four children each. The dominant Yockery Dock doesn’t wed but remains a lifelong bachelor that remains until he selects a new younger male to take his place. Only a few Yockery Docks live in the US, more live in South Africa and Madagascar [which is perfect for unseen creatures, for not many creatures are seen]. You can tell if a Yockery Dock is around by finding large bites in jack o lanterns or just hearing loud clomp clomp chewing sounds. To avoid this, you have to blow dandelion seeds all over the yard, for Yockery Docks can get covered in them, and get easily seen, which keeps them away [the fact that there are dandelions in your yard].

Just when the first bathroom was called a “Loo”, there came a creature with two mouths, one under its invisible nose, the other in which its upper and lower lips formed its legs, that gobbled up everything it set eyes on. The thing was patented the Skooonaloo, meaning the “skoo on a loo”, and ever since then, Skooonaloos turned into the unseen creatures that walk amongst us. The species includes lots of sea serpents and the unknown animal called a “X-Moor-Lion” and takes the scientific name Ooga Chawcka. A skooonaloo eats practically anything for the advantage of having two mouths, and though you might think it difficult to have a mouth for legs, it isn’t for a skooonaloo. the way it eats like so is as if it were merely clicking its legs together over and over. The skooonaloo can live anywhere from the US to the islands of Hawaii, and though it eats an awful lot, if it burps, what it ate can magically come back! It has wide eyes that cover its head and tinier mouth and invisible [even to itself] nose and has a tail of a fox. It makes strange calls that sound like a seal bark/vacuum cleaner/Southern Ground Hornbill grunt until it actually talks to converse with creatures that do talk, and when they do, skooonaloos have faint New York accents. Legends talk of how skooonaloos have disrupted Odyssey on a mission by eating his boat along the island of giants, but lots of history books like to skip over that and get to the giants.

The Rithmaies, or if just one, Rithmaie are curious creatures as they come. They come from a distinct primate family, Sasquatch being one of the well-known types, that is called Uberprimatial but the Rithmaie species is classified as merely None for unknown reasons. A Rithmaie, unlike its humongous footed cousins, is very small, save for their huge ears. With these ears, they can not only hear, but see what people think about [which, as you might think and are correct, is very creepy]. The Greater Rithmaie is blue with dark blue fur, opposite the Lesser Rithmaie which is white with black fur, and Crockett’s Rithmaie [in certain legends, folks talk of how when Davy Crockett was sure he was being seen by an unseen creature and grinned a Rithmaie into his sight] is black with light brown fur. Rithmaies span from Tennesse to Texas, while others live in Russian houses pretending to be ghosts and scare off humans. They have a distinct call when humans are about, which kind of sounds like a yodel or an opera note, but when humans aren’t around, they can talk like humans, but with lisps. To know when a Rithmaie is near, pour out wash water in your front or back yard and there will be a distinct scent of Gunpowder mixed with Avocados. To please a Rithmaie, you can always put your melon rinds out for them to see, for Rithmaies eat melon rinds [amongst other things, carrot tops, ropes, raw meat, and bicycle tire rubber.]

Strange as it seems, a squid with a human top torso, Herpoopoopines are actually quite helpful. Why, farmers who don’t have crows or scarecrows have the handy Herpoopoopine to help them ward off mangy crop-stealers every planting season and harvest season! Of course, the farmers don’t know about all this, for after all, a Herpoopoopine is a creature that can’t be seen by people! Its species is Humbo Jimbas, which includes a lot of creatures that help farmers that are too humorous or weird to mention. The Herpoopoopine has quite a talent for scaring off crows, they hypnotize them which tricks the birds into merely thinking they’re afraid! Herpoopoopines can be scattered the Northwest parts of America and the Southeast parts of Europe and are known for their strange voices. Though they are like humans and speak with words, they have slightly prolonged ‘L’s and ‘M’s which make them sound like this: Lllllllllllllion and Mmmmmmmouse. Herpoopoopines tend to be a bit irritable when met by creatures they don’t know [even other Herpoopoopines!]. When this happens, the Herpoopoopine makes a “Humph” type noise until the stranger leaves. The best way to attract Herpoopoopines is by, well, there’s only one way and that’s just to quit your old position and become a farmer. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to retort to using a regular scarecrow that is seen.

Of all the unseen creatures, this one is most mysterious of them all! This being the Mundroq [Sallis Thymes] whose species is as unkown as that of the species of Edgar Treeknocker. It has the most distinctive features aside from it being such a rare type, its large nose, sideburns connected to its back hair, born in clothes, and rabbit tail. I don’t know much about the Mundroq except for the fact it can track down food [a Mundroq is omnivore] anywhere it can suspect there is a bit of grub somewhere. The Mundroq is quite famous in legends, like how Walter Gilbrech from Ireland wished from a leprechaun that he could see creatures that couldn’t be seen so he could catch them and make them pay for the mischief they caused in the past by making them his servants. The leprechaun, surprised by such a harsh wish, said that it would be granted, so long as Walter never tried his hand at trying to catch “The Mundroq”, a creature that was astounding in wit, brain, strength, and was never seen in years and its species never dug out. Naturally, Walter tried a hand at trying to catch a Mundroq, but the creatures went and took him as their servant. Still, there was one way to escape, that being to undo his previous wish, then all would be normal, and he would be free! Walter Gilbrech did undo his wish, and he was as free as a Cardinal!

Believe it or not, Corporal started as Charlie McCarthy! I have always loved Edgar Bergen, but rarely saw lots of his shows, but I could imitate Charlie and Mortimer Snerd’s voices pretty well. So, for endless nights I entertained my siblings by doing Charlie and Mortimer’s ‘new adventures’, until Mom suggested I do my own project with the same voices. Hence Corporal [Charlie McCarthy] and Luke [Mortimer Snerd]. I have a batch of “Corporal and Luke”s that will probably not make it on this website here, and I’ll relate to you why; the first reason being that the first season was too violent, Corporal himself being too mean and sarcastic, so I revamped the show to where Corporal was a guy who met Luke by the curb and told stories, but still they would heat up something awful. So, I revamped again, this time having a friendlier situation material like a family sitcom, but he is still the cantankerous old Corporal he’ll always be. His head is the first feature you’ll notice on him, and yes, it is extremely tall and long, but he is very proud of that! How I came up with it is funny, I was doodling his mustache, when suddenly, I drew the longest head ever, and so there you have it! [But you can imagine that he bumps it an awful lot!] Corporal is often getting into mistakes he doesn’t get out of, but that could happen to anybody! He and Luke are the best of friends, father and son type relationship, though Corporal often thinks Luke is a goofball and loses his patience on him, they will always remain inseparable! Corporal’s love life revolves around two ladies: Cindy [a blonde woman who does her best to put up with Corporal] and Michele [who wants to shape Corporal up]. Corporal finds Ghertner Panda cartoons ridiculous and babyish, though Luke loves them, and always knows when to sound his opinion, nearly all the time, but he thinks it over first. If he loses it though, he often feels guilty later on.

Luke is Mortimer Snerd to Corporal’s exuberant Charlie McCarthy and in the first batch of the series, he came out as right to Corporal’s always being wrong, but nowadays, he is as dull-witted as any country bumpkin of his kind. No matter the case, he is still Corporal’s notably trusty companion and adopted ‘son’. Luke isn’t as old as he looks, but his feature that stands out is his view of interests. He watches Winston and Giliford’s Ghertner Panda cartoons, and on behalf of this is his firm habit of eating the “Panda Puffs” and loyalty to sending in box tops for “Panda Prizes” [or plastic foolishness, in Corporal’s mind]. Luke has an unrequited fascination in famous movie star Suzanne Pleshette [think “Ugly Dachshund” and “Blackbeard’s Ghost”] and is practically crazy about her. Corporal doesn’t quite see why [he thinks her last name pronounced shett and Luke thinks it’s pronounced shay] on account of the fact Corporal is on the side of the unfortunate Great Dane. Luke doesn’t always understand Corporal sometimes though, on behalf of Corporal’s fussiness and absurd imagination, but Luke sees it with awe and tries to gain knowledge from his uncanny companion, so as you see, Luke looks up to Corporal. They’re fine individualists, but that’s what makes their partnership in the show genuine, like Bert and Ernie!

Winston and Giliford were with Corporal and Luke from the start, starting right as two ordinary English blokes, and now the hosts of the Ghertner Panda Puff company that presents cereal and kid cartoons, how they made it this far is astounding! They’re quite a comedic duo to provide comic relief for Corporal stress and everyone else laughs: Winston being the married, prim and proper, old-fashioned young man and Giliford being the harsh-talking, bumbling, older man. Giliford is perfectly not understandable, except to Winston who does understand him and repeatedly has to interpret his stout friend’s mumbles and grumbles. Why I came up with such characters was because I saw an old TV show episode with a stout British man who grumbles instead of talks, but just as to have everyone understand him, Winston had to be there as to make sure every word Giliford said would be heard. Their Ghertner Panda Toons are extremely popular with the kids [and Luke] of the neighborhood, but Corporal thinks them “babyish” and childish”. However the case may be, while Corporal thinks Winston and Giliford ridiculous, Winston and Giliford find Corporal and Luke’s whims equally as crazy, but they try to be of any assistance [sometimes!] and naturally Luke is friendly with them all the time [they are the hosts of his favorite show and manufacturers of his favorite cereal!].

Now, I could do a pretty good “Winnie the Pooh” voice, and I wanted to present that, and what better way than to have a Pooh voice come out of the World’s Greatest Genius? The name Ernie just came from thin air, but Newton on behalf of the fact that I like “Baby Newton” the lion from “Baby Einstein”. Ernie Newton is the outstanding discoverer, eccentric scientist, and otherwise oddball in Corporal and Luke’s world. He is a part of what he calls [in “The Faith Camera” and more to come] “The Board of World Class Genius”, a group that you can bet does nothing but talk clever and show-and-tell famously mystifying and outstanding [or otherwise confusing] discoveries and experiments. So far, Ernie Newton found out that the sun has a storehouse, the “Fishtank of Digestion” exists, pi never ends, noses don’t have bones, the Bible books are put in mish mashed order, Mel Blanc’s certain voices for characters sound the same, and many other things to come. Aside these things, Ernie Newton is still human outside his clever bravado; he got deliriously downtrodden when Giliford “stole” his part as sultan in the play “Chinini Mimi” and finds the muddled Corporal and Luke merely peasants, or else guinea pigs to future experiments, or even further good company [depending of course, on what mood he is in]. Ernie Newton is a puzzling character, but then again, all geniuses are!

Cindy, along with Winston and Giliford, was with Corporal and Luke at the beginning. She started out as Corp’s only girlfriend, wife in fact, at first, and instead of talking she honked like a car. However, with a new show on hand, a time for revamping, she is now one of two of Corporal’s main girlfriends and most likely at the top. Oh, by the bye, if you listen in certain recordings, she can talk. The reason Cindy is Corporal’s best girlfriend is because she puts up with his whims, adventures, and Luke. She always does what Corporal wants [to an extent mind you] she always understands [I believe] and does her best to keep up with her witty, long-headed boyfriend as best as she can. Cindy is a bit of a dreamer in her personal time, and she works at food drives ran by local neighborhoods and churches. Someday, she hopes to marry Corporal, but then again, so does Michele. Cindy was a student of arts and was [and still is] a fine actress in many a program, but now she hopes to escape work to achieve what you read above.

Michele, part Harriet Nelson part my own mom [with the same name of Michele], is the opposite of Cindy when it comes to being Corporal’s girlfriend. Not that she doesn’t love Corporal or Luke, but she could do without some of their habits. Being a healthy dietician, she disapproves of the “Ghertner Panda Puffs” and tries to get both men to eat more vegetables, something that both Corporal and Luke are very reluctant to do. She is also a skilled pianist, if you haven’t heard that she postponed a date with Corporal because of piano lessons. In her spare time out of shows, she can play all twelve of Beethoven’s contradances and every movement in Smetana’s “The Bartered Bride”. You can see right away the differences between Cindy and Michele, for while Cindy loves Corporal unconditionally, Michele is making a big effort to change some of Corporal’s ways. It’s a bit like my mom and dad, mom trying to fix my dad’s rather crazy [in a good way] ways. For the outcomes of both cases, we’ll have to see.

How I came up with “Sherry and Laurey” is a mystery to me, I was trying out for a podcast that was like “The Red Skelton Show” in the means that I did a skit as myself and three others as different characters. “Sherry and Laurey” came out of that, and that alone had very large audience appeal and favor. It’s a bit of a female “Corporal and Luke” [but completely different in different ways], a situation comedy that encircled around austere Sherry, clueless Laurey, wise yet fundamental Bernard, and the exuberant Clarigg McConnelly. Sherry is a pompous lady, having very excellent advice she gives Laurey but herself very seldom follows. She lives in a large apartment building on a floor that has no one living in it but Bernard and herself. She makes do with it, but very seldom makes do with Bernard, who is always the one who sees the downsides to Sherry’s whims. Sherry believes herself more knowledgeable than Bernard, but when push comes to shove, she is weakened without him. I mean, who will do her housework? Sherry attends Woman’s Club, being the mistress of ceremonies in certain occasions and activities with Laurey usually following her around as if trying to learn from her, if anyone can! To Laurey, Sherry is her mentor who gives her good life instructions, but how can that be if Sherry doesn’t even follow her own instructions? All in all, though Sherry finds her fellow cast members naive or annoying, she really does love them, for here we have a fine family, because in “Sherry and Laurey”, the main characters remain as tight as my family. Sherry may certainly be pompous, but she is quite the lady!

Laurey is the Luke to Sherry’s Corporal as Laurey is dull-witted and shy. She really looks up to Sherry and often goes to her for advice, and that’s why it is a real shock when Laurey finds that Sherry doesn’t follow her own advice! Laurey finds Sherry a puzzle and Bernard a bit crazy but is clearly a friend to the end. Laurey lives in the country, direct contrast to Sherry’s city life, in a tiny house by herself with a few houses down the block. She, unlike Sherry in this way as well, has a boyfriend. Though he isn’t mentioned that much aloud, his name is Matthias and works at a department store down the street. That point should be made clear. Laurey attends the same Woman’s Club that Sherry attends, often as the middlewoman in some cases, but other times is helping Sherry in some random projects. Sherry and Laurey are different in many ways, Sherry being the large pompous austere comic to Laurey’s clueless skinny counterpart character, but they shall always be friends to the end and share the show’s title.

Bernard is Sherry’s valet, butler, and friend. Where Sherry is pompous and otherwise clueless, Bernard is fundamentally outgoing and otherwise always right. It is true that Bernard would rather play and rough house with one Klarigg McConolly, Bernard still is willing to do just about anything Sherry tells him to do. That doesn’t keep Bernard, however, from doing his own thing. There are times that Sherry gets fed up with him and wants to discharge him, but she knows [secretly] that without him, she can’t do anything. It’s better that way for the fact that Bernard constantly has to correct Sherry for her mistakes, usually in a hard way, but Bernard takes it with a grain of salt and his optimism. Bernard, aside from his Cagan bravado, really does keep Sherry’s house in order, until he lets in his old pal Klarigg which, if you didn’t find out already, could get pretty messy and loud. On Laurey’s part, she accepts Bernard as he is, and usually, she gets the inner scoop on Sherry’s antics. For you see, when Laurey hears Sherry going along with her [Sherry]’s own advice, Bernard is quick to point out to Laurey that Sherry is doing the exact opposite. Though Sherry won’t admit it, Bernard is fundamental yet very wise.

Clarigg McConelly hails from Scotland, and the moment he becomes Sherry’s new valet, the world turns upside down! [No wonder Sherry re-hired Bernard!]. Clarigg, actually, is Bernard’s best friend, and the two like to cause poor Sherry a bit of trouble. Still, by learning from them, she learns the mistakes she makes! Clarigg has no problem driving Sherry crazy by playing bagpipes till the cows come home or misinterpreting her demands, and though Bernard and Clarigg are on the same page [figuratively and literally] they do have a few differences; Bernard knows when it’s time to stop while Clarigg likes to keep going, Bernard has limits to craziness while Clarigg knows none, and Bernard always follows Sherry’s orders whereas Clarigg rarely does! Aside from all that, Clarigg really means well, and he really is Sherry, Laurey, and of course Bernard’s very good friend. I wanted Clarigg to be a bit like Billy Conolly, in voice, but no doubt Clarigg is a man of his own invention! [Note: I sometimes forget Clarigg’s name begins with a C or a K, so it’s alright to spell with either].

“The Russell Hachey Show” takes sketch and song like that of the old days to the newer days and takes hold of the talents of Sam Hill Sheep, Roarson Lion, Clint McClassic, Cecil Boynton, and myself. Sam Hill and Roarson are a comedy duo that make their acts revolve around a specific story. Though the two work together, they have very different personalities like that of most comedy duos; for while Sam Hill is quick to the point, Roarson is very slow, and while Sam Hill knows what goes on, Roarson doesn’t. Sam Hill does get frustrated from time to time, but he shoves it under his hat, even though he repeatedly has to remind Roarson of what’s up. Sam Hill and Roarson are very optimistic when they do their sketches and love to star with their host, me, but they can be rather pesky sometimes. Roarson finds it hard to get through his head that he is in a sketch, however, and forgets who he is in the show every now and then. Still, if you see the “Entertainment” page and hear “The Russell Hachey Show”, you could never hear finer comedy, even when it doesn’t make sense!

Sam Hill’s likes:

Favorite Activity: Doing the sketch

Favorite Food: Grass

Favorite Color: Beige

Favorite Movie: Singin’ in the Rain

Previous Job: Farmhand, his family owned a cotton farm where they raised cotton themselves

Roarson’s Likes:

Favorite Activity: Kissing pretty girls under the mistletoe

Favorite Food: Chicken Nuggets and Fries

Favorite Color: Blue or Periwinkle

Favorite Movie: You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Previous Job: Stagehand

Clint McClassic is true to the “classic” part of his name. On the whole, he is a simple fellow who enjoys simple things, simple meaning tracing back to the old days. In reality, I thought that a hand puppet would do swell for “The Russell Hachey Show” because I already had Sam Hill and Roarson, and as a person, I have a hard time with characters, for ideas come to me by the thousands, and the characters I make up are overwhelming in numbers at home. As you see, Clint McClassic is my hand with a face drawn on it and a drawn cardboard tube body. The character himself is equally as simple [as you already read]. I wanted him to be a Victor Moore type in voice, but the character himself is all one of many… this meaning there is always someone out there who longs for the old days. Clint comes from an unknown decade, and his age remains an astounding mystery. All we know is, he has a liking of things that range from the early twenties to the sixties. He greatly enjoys old movies, old clothes, old prices, and of course organic food [because back then, you could eat anything no matter the brand]. Much to his dismay, however, all that seems to be lacking, as much as characters like him are. Still, he’s glad to see I’m reliving the Golden Age of Radio Comedy by way of sketch and song programs that I do.

Clint McClassic’s likes:

Favorite Activity: Driving buggies, watching old movies, hearing classic records, taking a country stroll, collecting antiques

Favorite Food: TV Dinners [Mashed Potatoes, Meat Loaf, Mixed Veggies]

Favorite Color: Antique Bronze

Favorite Movie: Lullaby of Broadway and The Shop around the Corner

Previous Job: Historian

The new co-host of “The Russell Hachey Show”, Cecil Boynton never lacks in general good-fellowship. In reality, I got him for 2025 Christmas from Santa Claus, and boy was I glad to receive such a gift! I always liked Edgar Bergen and his ventriloquist figures, but I was afraid to obtain one of my own because of the scary things people make these figures to be. Cecil, however, is unlike many ventriloquist figures in many ways. For example, he refuses to hold the title “dummy,” but much refers to the rank of “handsome,” a ventriloquist handsome. His character is unlike that of Bergen’s Charlie McCarthy, for one, Cecil is of well-bred British nature, a well-mannered and polite gentleman of his kind. Not to say he has moments and can get a little confused and frustrated at times, but that doesn’t take hold of him as a person. One thing he will let you know if you meet him, his favorite food is jellied eels. Morey or otherwise, he’s all into jellied eel related food items to eat; be it candy bars or tea! Aside of this odd habit, Cecil Boynton will always be my best ventriloquist “handsome”, no matter how many I get in the future. If ever him and I break into TV one day, he will still be my co-host!